Writing this down as an act of expression and laying these down... "that I may rest all my days, in the goodness of Jesus".
In the past 2.5 days that I am out of my quarantine, in all honesty there has been more uncomfortable/negative feelings than happy ones. Do I feel happy to be back with family? Not really. I got a scary nightmare about brother hurting me in my last night at the hotel.
Another more negative dream just now- involving family (brother) again, but also insecurity (Do I see her as a love rival? Or is it more about feeling ashamed at myself based on what I project she thinks about me? More of the latter I think). But in any case, I feel more stressed and tensed in the bedroom where I grew up lol. It made me miss my space and my time back in HK... which in itself is quite disturbing because I am supposed to belong here.. where do I belong then? I definitely am not a Hong Konger as felt through daily interactions, I guess I feel more comfy with my PhD mates but this is also a temporal community.
I did look forward to coming back... mostly about ending the LDR. And after that episode with that sister, intensified longing to just be in a familiar place where I am understood and loved. And I want to be thankful for all these... but just. Fighting against discontent (I guess this is what it is) and anxiety:
- Living together (sharing bathroom) with brother
- Visiting 奶奶's altar and niche (and wondering how to stand firm in my beliefs, answer to my paternal relatives)
- Mum saying she didn't want to attend my baptism though over video call they did mention that they would want to.. Both disappointed and familiar sense of betrayal. Taking back what was said and turning it into something else.. lol that even makes me wonder if I have heard correctly
- Feeling like I am caught in the family dynamics and needing to 'repress' my self (what for though, I asked myself when I typed this. To maintain the relationships? To show that I care? Maybe I need to stop trying to please anyone)
- Family routines to keep by
- Away from friends that I regularly hang out with (my usual after-service lunches, hangouts with HK friends who generally have more time because we are away from home)
- Going to church on Sundays and chilling by myself at home afterwards with no one to bother me
- Feeling 'inferior'/lagging behind my peers, wondering what I am doing with the PhD and where would I land up.. will there be a suitable job for my qualifications. Imposter syndrome pretty real (and normal amongst PhDs by the way). I guess that affected how much I wanted to meet new people or people who are not close friends