F**k this, God

 Yeah. I am in a very angry place. And I cannot really see anything else in that place.

I am oscillating through feelings of rage, grief, sadness, loneliness and just feeling like F all this shit. 

If it was a non-Christian, I would have taken it in stride (I hope.. haha). As it is I think I feel really traumatised by this whole fiasco and I really don't want to meet with her but I need to. I guess this is all compounded when I am in a foreign land and I don't think I can talk to people who know both of us.

On the other hand I keep wondering if I have been over-amplifying this and it is also quite wearisome. Okay, I think I need to be clear that at the heart of the issue she has, it is good. But she was really disagreeable and I felt like I wasn't even given the chance to share who I am or even just my thoughts on the matter. And that is what hurt the most, terribly badly. Did you even want to know me as a person? 

I really don't know why this hurt so badly... its not like I need another friend or value this sisterhood so much... It just feels like I wasn't seen as a person, and aren't we supposed to be sisters in Christ? So f**k this God. I guess I feel like an angry Jonah and I am just letting all my ugliness out here. 

I just want to go home.... this feel like too much too bear. Why did I choose to stay here to finish up my ministry responsibilities only to be accused and dealt with coldly. Why... for You. I know in some tiny weeny part of my heart and mind, I know I am a weak small fallible human. So a lot of the rage needs to be surrendered.. breathes. 

Haha #discouRAGEment

Epilogue?

In the week after I posted this and having: bawled my eyes out, lashing out at God and the last person I want to hurt, hearing loving affirmations, and observing God's small providences - I felt quite embarrassed to have written the above. And was really thankful that I am only meeting her a week from when the fiasco happened. 

So- it was an amicable enough meeting. Talked through the issue and I think I tried really hard to empathize + be humble before her. This was after I felt that internal withering when she just said "I am happy to apologize for xyz but I am also so angry about abc" And I would have been okay if abc was MY issue per se, but she clarified that okay we have different stances on things and she believes she is right. SO WHY LASH OUT ON ME. AND WHY NO SINCERE APOLOGY, even after you said yes I lashed out on you. 

So, still rage. I guess I may be taking it personally? I don't know. I feel so so sad. That she is like that. 

I asked her at one point: "So do you think this is the most loving approach?" LOL she could have just frankly and authentically said that I am struggling, I am flawed as Christians are supposed to firmly believe when we took hold of the gospel. Instead, she posed the question back: "Do you think its loving to force me to love you?" I think I still cannot get over this part and tbh I really wanna BITCH about her in the dark recesses of my heart. 

Well.. I guess it is right that its her choice, and I have to leave it to God who will surely grow her. As He is probably growing me at this point. I wonder if I am expecting answers to fit the template for my authentic and empathetic communication too. Is that why I am so sad, rather than the "real" issue? Maybe, maybe.

Let it rest and fallow....