|View from my favorite CLB corner seat|
As I was about to type how I woke up with this hollowed feeling, I remembered that this is not new. Old question recently surfaced: What am I doing? Like really, what am I achieving?
I don't want to create a system of redemption for myself by rushing to do stuff and making myself needed. Which I know I cannot without God anyway. This season is really one of humility (I sincerely hope it is) and praying. More observable is the focus on relationships- family and friends.
Yet there's this huge part. I am insecure. And when that happens, sometimes I don't know if I am meeting my own needs or others.
(Wow I didn't expect this to come out. I was just going to type about living ordinary days.)
But yes, that's part of an ordinary day. To daily ask for grace, joy, forgiveness, direction and to receive and then ask some more.
|From today at Sunday School training|
Usual grudge that Dad just doesn't reply when he doesn't like the question/topic. Same inertia yet obligation felt before going to visit Granny. Usual language barrier with Granny. Nodding off during training because I was unengaged. Reminded again of my discomfort among Christian strangers who are supposed to know each other?
Yet today is a beautiful day.
Thanked God for leading me to take the bus to Jurong Point because I wanted to get durian puffs for Granny- I saw a mother lashing out hurtful words at her daughter who also refused to bow down. I was reflecting, such is how we can hurt ourselves through this pride, want for control, unforgiveness. And as the bus unloaded mothers, children, aunties, I reaffirmed my desire to work with people. Which was important, because along the way I have become somewhat fearful of connecting with people- because I feel inadequate. I must remember, it is God who enables.
Had a good time with Granny and Aunt today. Aunt asked me why I became a Christian, and while my Chinese and gut feel didn't allow me to share more beyond how I felt Christianity described the state of the world better than Guan Yin or Buddhism, it was a good conversation. This is the first I had with her, like this, talking about deeper stuff beyond the usual perfunctory topics of my schoolwork, brother's schoolwork etc. We even discussed going to Hainan together with Granny (though Dad gave the usual non-response when I brought that up over dinner).
I did learn from Sunday School after all though I knew most of the stuff covered already. Learnt about a mother's faith and joy. And our attitude towards these children who make Sunday School class interesting (I really like how Uncle Hui Nee puts it haha)- do we see them as rightful students in our class?
Ordinary days. Great, meticulous God.平凡的日子，不平凡的神。