First post in awhile
In between interning from 8.30-6 (plus overtime), working for 2 weeks as a clinic assistant (got asked to leave cos doctor wanted a permanent nurse; or mebbe I wasn't doing a good job haha), and most importantly thinking about the existence of a God/which is the one true God,
Blogging was the last thing on my mind.
No one would want to read how horribly hollowed I felt mulling over God anyway. Because both ways there seemed to be losses for me. If I bet my life on Jesus Christ, I would have to accept that almost all my loved ones aren't saved, and I found that I couldn't trust God to do so.
The other option was to forsake my faith and say I'm not betting my life on anything. But I knew I couldn't survive with that. Because impassive (and more 'tolerant of other views') as this stance is, I am still betting my life on something. The same thing which my mum is betting her life on.
Which is that having a clear conscience, and living a relatively moral life, no God (if existent), will condemn me.
On the surface, it does sound reasonable. However, I still do think the Christian viewpoint holds true. No one is righteous; no one can stand before God uncondemned. I only need to look at myself: the daily stream of self-righteous thoughts, selfish motives, snide remarks... No one can ever call himself blameless.
So slowly, I renewed my faith in Jesus. Doubts about a loving God, whether God is guiding me in life still exist. But I look to the Cross where Jesus was nailed, and think of all that He did. And I think: In His great love God has already done all these to redeem us. A suffering God like this, surely I can trust Him to walk with me.