a very long post

I'm technically graduating on October 12 I think, but I wanna write something about school now when I feel like I can write something (of at least some worth that is).

In many ways I guess the school still feels a bit new to me; sometimes I stop in my tracks just to figure out how to get somewhere. But that's not the point here. I just wanna write down all the events/conversations with people that I remember while I still can.

I went through a period recently where I was seized by an irrational debilitating stress. I say it was irrational cos I knew I had no basis for it. Anyway during this period I was feeling quite hopeless, and I forgot why but F talked about where she wanted to go. Either Japan or Shanghai, she said, and when I asked for what, she replied somewhat abashedly 'To enjoy life..' That was when I let out a mock cry. It made M laugh but from the bottom of my heart at that moment I really felt like crying. Cos at that moment it really felt like I wasn't meant to enjoy life. I wanted to go into Social Work (still do), and that guaranteed hardship. I wasn't rich enough to go overseas if I wanted/did badly for As.

I smile a bit at myself, thinking back now. When I entered school my parents were a bit... ashamed? I don't know the right word for it, but I guess they were conscious that they did not have that earning power that so many of my friends' parents have. Although I can't deny that I have envied them, no, I don't want to be in a well-to-do family. By God's grace I was called where I am, and through my daily life I have experienced His grace and kindness, by which He moves people to repentance.


Another moment I cherish was the Bible study/discussions about God sessions I had with J and X after school. These sessions were one of the moments where I felt that God was so so real, even though we were throwing many doubts that we had no answers to. This is the characteristic of the fellowship God has called us to commit to regularly I guess, to be greatly encouraged by one another.

This brings to mind another thing: When I brought The Reason for God by Timothy Keller to school, quite a few were interested to find out what the reasons are. Well, I don't know if they were convinced after reading a few pages of the book, but for some reason I'm quite glad they were interested. I think I overheard Z saying that it was because of human need for a divine God. Well I agree we all need God, but God is not something we invented as a basis for morality or to ease/explain our pain.
I understand why it might seem so though. That is why we are called to have faith, trusting in what we cannot see and feel but is real nonetheless. We shouldn't be expecting empirical evidence in the material world when God is not material.
 I don't think I can do a post on it just yet, but please do read the introduction (free for all) of the book for a start. I haven't read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis in its entirety yet, but do go to the link; there's a downloadable pdf there.


J said that one of her best moments in school was talking to the teachers. Last year I was carrying an obnoxious attitude during most of the class sessions on scholarships/goal-setting/you-get-what-I-mean. I think it stemmed from feeling thrown into a totally foreign culture and I felt starkly different. And I wanted to be, in that obnoxious way. But I agree with her now; I can't vouch for all the teachers but our class has been blessed with teachers that are concerned about us as individuals. Words of affirmation and concern goes a long way.

And then there is the warm feeling of friendship with people whom I wrote in my diary that I felt different from. Okay I'm not trying to romanticise it all and say I have built strong friendships and blah, but this is a class which I want to have class gatherings with like once every 5 years? I have learnt quite some from some of them too, like L, XH, J, C. 
I thought I would cry when I graduated from primary school and secondary school but didn't. Perhaps this time I will, cos that is a place I have quite reluctantly come to like.